


Every Lock to Every Door

by HubcapsAndAshtrays



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Background Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-12
Updated: 2017-02-12
Packaged: 2018-09-23 15:56:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9664367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HubcapsAndAshtrays/pseuds/HubcapsAndAshtrays
Summary: “I murdered an innocent man today”





	

Alex doesn't bother turning on the light as she slinks into her dark apartment. The amber blades streaming in through the large windows was more than enough illumination needed to retrieve a bottle of whisky from the fridge.

She begins to reach for a glass before deciding against it, abandoning the utensil on the counter.

Another advantage of the darkness was the lack of reflections. There's a dull tightening across her left temple, where the beginnings of a fairly ghastly bruise sits. She didn’t want to see it. It just served as another reminder to what had happened, to what she had done. No, tonight all she wanted was just to forget.

Alex takes a long swig of the golden liquid. She remembers a time when she would wince and splutter at the burn that roared down her throat. She had had years of practice to get used to it.

The equipment at the DEO had picked up an alien virus lying dormant on the outskirts of the city. Her team had been tasked with containing it.

Things had gone south.

She doesn’t know whether she’s glad or disappointed that Kara isn’t here. At the back of her mind she realises that her sister’s absence was probably for the best. She's not sure that she would be able to stand either the contempt or the pity that would inevitably shine in Kara’s eyes.

The forgiveness would be even worse.

She takes another swig.

There had been an explosion, a containment breach and a ripped hazmat suit.

They had had very little information about the lethal pathogen to go on. Their limited research and studies had indicated a 50/50 chance of viral activation in just 5 minutes after finding a human host.

The only known way to destroy the virus was to kill the host.

Alex had had less than five minutes to decide whether or not to take an innocent man’s life, based on a half-baked probability.

She takes another swig, the bottle feels considerably lighter now. Alex doesn’t know how much she’s had or how long she’s been sat here, but instead of everything melting away the events of the past few hours have instead become a focal point, thrown to the forefront of her mind.

_A gunshot ringing out._

_Betrayed green eyes._

_A dull thud as a lifeless body hits the ground._

Alex doesn’t realise that she’s dropped the bottle until she feels a wetness seeping into her socks.

Suddenly there’s a key turning in the door. She fumbles around for the gun that she had abandoned in disgust after entering the apartment.

“I know you said the key was for emergencies but I've been knocking-”

Alex squints against the bright light flooding into the apartment. There’s a familiar silhouette standing in the doorway.

“Alex?”

The light is switched on and Maggie is suddenly knelt in front of her, brown eyes peering into her own searchingly. Maggie glances at the spilt liquor on the floor and slowly rights the bottle, not seeming to care about her now wet jeans.

“What happened?”

Alex can tell the exact moment that her girlfriend notices the bruise on her temple. Her eyes widen, her hand reaches up to examine the contusion. Alex however, foreseeing the action pulls away.

The hurt clear on Maggie’s features slowly dissolves into confusion and then finally into something of concern. Alex’s jaw clenches, she didn’t want nor deserve pity or compassion.

She reaches down for the now empty glass bottle on the floor. The bottle is gently pried from her fingers.

Maggie still hasn't spoken. Alex can almost see the gears turning in her brain, brow furrowing as the detective tries to figure out the best way to approach this.

Alex decides to make the choice for her.

“I murdered an innocent man today”

“Alex-”

Alex stares vacantly at a spot just right of Maggie’s head as she continues “His name was Kurt Jameson, he was 25 years old, ex military, he had a f-”

“Al-”

“I _can’t_ forget, I’m trying so hard but i-” she shakes her head, trailing off into silence.

Jameson’s suit had been damaged in the explosion, exposing him to the lethal pathogen. Taking him back to the DEO hadn’t been an viable option, not without endangering the population of the city and risking a nationwide epidemic. The 50/50 chance was not one that Alex had been willing to take.

“He begged me not to do it”

She remembers youthful green eyes shining with tears, mourning a future that would never be. Stolen from him by a bullet discharged at point blank range.

She had had no choice. Or maybe that was just another lie that she had convinced herself of, because even the _thought_ that there could have been another option, well that was unbearable.

“Look at me”

She does.

“Sometimes we have no choice” Maggie’s voice is firm and resolute. Her arms are crossed in front of her, elbows resting on the sofa either side of Alex’s legs. Her brown eyes gaze into Alex’s unwavering “Sometimes we are stuck between two _impossible_ choices and we are forced to make one. Alex that doesn’t make you a bad person”

“I think this does” she whispers softly

“A bad person wouldn’t feel what you’re feeling right now. I can see it in your eyes Alex, you’re _devastated_ ” Maggie’s voice falters, trying desperately to reign in her own emotions at the sight of her girlfriend so desolate.

Maggie lays a tentative hand on Alex’s thigh. Alex automatically leans into the comforting touch.

_He had a fiancée._

She pulls away, shaking her head “I took this from him, i don’t deserve-”

“You deserve the world” Maggie breathes, begging for Alex to be able to see herself the way that she did “and i know that you don’t see that right now. What we do it’s not easy, there aren’t any easy days, just a string of hard and even harder choices to be made. But as impossible as it is you can’t let that swallow you up because it will. It’ll eat at you and it won’t stop.”

There are tears glistening in her eyes now. It’s like a knife through Alex’s chest.

“You have the best heart of anyone i know. You’re kind and brave and loyal and strong and so much more. You’re a lot of things, but Alex Danvers you are _not_ a bad person.

Alex wants nothing more than to believe it, but she can’t. Not when the feel of her gun jerking in her hands says otherwise, or when the shocked looks from her team beg to differ, the fear and accusation in their eyes disagreeing with Maggie.

“Look, i don’t expect you to understand, being a city detective, it’s a little different” Alex says icily.

Maggie gives a sad smile, not a single trace of anger or resentment on her features “This isn’t you”

“You don’t know that” Alex whispers despondent.

“I do” her voice is firm “You’re hurting right now, and i know that i can’t fix that. But i’m not going anywhere Alex, i’m right here”

Alex swallows but doesn’t pull away this time when fingers thread through her’s. Instead she holds on tightly, anchoring herself to the other woman.

Maggie quickly gets up from her position on the floor and gathers Alex up into a tight embrace. Alex immediately buries her head into her shoulder.

“I’m sorry” she gasps wetly against the other woman. Alex doesn’t know who she’s apologising to. Whether it’s to Maggie or Jameson or to his family or to her team.

“I’ve got you” murmurs Maggie tightening her hold on Alex

_“I’m so sorry”_

“I’ve got you”

**Author's Note:**

> So i wrote this instead of working on my novel (I'm using that term very loosely) and studying, and i have to say i really don't regret it. I really enjoyed writing this (regardless of the angst and bad summary). I hope some of you guys do as well!


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